Don't Let Me Down

I think "Do The Right Thing" is one of the best film titles of all time. I think the film is great, but the film's title is really great. It has already involved the audience, by addressing them, before the film even begins. And then it fits the movie once you are watching it. Perfect. I've always thought "Don't Let Me Down" would be a good title too, in the same way. Of course, with a title like that, the movie would have to be more of a downer than "Do The Right Thing."

I'm deep into the last stage of pre-melancholia; disappointment. Or perhaps just funk. Depression is too drastic a term and I have always prided myself on my extremely well-adjusted mental state, even when I'm feeling blue. Yes, I am aware of how this sounds and how people might take it offensively... It's my blog, right? Anyway, much like "The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford" five years ago, it looks as if "Silver Linings Playbook" will be the film I pull into this melancholy with me. I've already seen it twice and I feel like it is never going to leave my head. Is it bad that I feel so kindred with the main character, who just got out of a mental hospital, if I've always prided myself on my mental well-adjustment? It is what it is. Excelsior.

The song that just came on my iTunes is perfect for writing this. It sounds almost like something from the score of a Spider-man film. It is some of Alexandre Desplat's work from "The Painted Veil."

A week ago this time, I was watching the final film at the Savannah Film Festival. I was there for 8 days and saw nearly two dozen films and lots of big Hollywood stars. Not to mention, I got to spend so much time in Savannah and on Tybee Island, two places I could most certainly call home if my family was there as well. It was a wonderful week. "The Reality of a Rut: Cameron McAllister's quest for a new job, but not just any job... which could help explain why it's taking so huggin' long" would be the title of a book I would've written this week, post-Savannah. By the way, huggin' is a perfect new euphemism for cuss words.

I don't like being let down by the unfulfilled intentions of friends. But it almost always allows for a readjustment. This adjustment will be forged in the fires of a deep melancholy. In more general news, I suppose I sure am ready for a soulmate to come along.

This post is all over the place... business as usual. God is, as always, my portion. He's much more faithful than I am. Not to just tag him on here at the end, but it's just so true.

Discreet Anticipation

It's a strange thing, waiting for a call that I may never actually get. All signs point to me receiving this specific phone call soon. But signs can be misread and logic isn't always followed.

I keep telling myself not to get my hopes up. It's hard not to, though... even knowing that if I get my hopes up and end up getting disappointed, it's going to be an especially potent disappointment since I could have prevented it.

But I feel confident that enough prayer went into this that should I be disappointed, should I never receive this phone call... it's all God's doing.

Living in my head

I'd like to think that moods are far more temporary than "funks." I think funks might be moods that have settled and have lasted far to long to still be classified as moods but are not necessarily permanent. I think my current mood is, perhaps, a bit down. Several reasons claim responsibility, some of which I won't get into. I wouldn't call this a funk, though. But I'm willing to bet that it will lead to one soon. Often times, when I feel down like this, it leads to a melancholy and you know how I feel about my melancholies (if you don't know... I love them).

I don't usually talk about my "feelings" like I'm going to right now... but I'm strangely in the mood to do so.

I just got back from a vacation to the beach. It was a great time with my family. On top of that, I have much to be thankful for. My future work circumstances seem to be heading in a wonderful direction (although nothing official yet). I've gotten to spend some quality time with some good friends lately. I've begun reading a book that a quarter of the way into it has already started to affect the way I think.

Why do I feel as if I've stepped under a cloud? I reckon it is a combination of things. First of all, I miss some people. I have never been able to tell if I am more of an "out of sight, out of mind" person or an "absence makes the heart grow fonder" type. I have come to believe that I am a hybrid of both. I think it can be summed up by "out of sight, out of mind... until a prolonged absence makes my heart wrench for those I've lost personal contact with."

What else? I've been busy this week. That may be the lamest reason in the universe to get to feeling down... but it's just that, a reason and not an excuse. When I feel like I don't have time to decompress from the day's events, my mood suffers afterwards... even subconsciously. And any time when I start feeling this way, I'm a bit more sensitive to aggression. Not sensitive emotionally, but sensitive spiritually, if that makes any sense. I retreat a little deeper into my shell.

Forlorn aside, there is also a sense of melancholy... which is what I expect this to fully grow into... a funk-sized melancholy. I've been noticeably more introspective lately. God has been showing me some things about dealing with myself and dealing with others, especially when people present themselves unpleasantly. Oswald Chambers has a lot of good things to say about that in My Utmost for His Highest. I'm trying something new with unpleasant people.

Another reason for more introspection is Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand. I've always wanted to read this but never gave myself the chance. I'd say to myself, "If you ever want to read another book again, you best not start it, since you'll be reading it for the rest of your life."

Who Is John Galt? This isn't the question I ask myself... but the book has led me to think differently about what I am sensing and feeling. I think more about the natural contradictions inside my thoughts and I take pause to fully grasp what I'm thinking. It opens up a new world when you stop and digest what you're thinking and feeling at the moment.

I've never experienced a melancholy in the summertime before. I'd like to know more about the correlation between my moods, funks and the seasons... but I'm afraid I have no answers there. Last week, I expected the melancholy to start when I was at the beach. It didn't. It was a shock mid-week when I realized that nothing had happened. I thought that a vacation of more solitude than ever before would surely ring that in. My parents and I were the only ones there until late Tuesday when my brother and sister-in-law came down until Friday. I figured I would have more time to myself, more independence, more melancholy. I jumped the gun on that one.

By the way, I've already started planning a few future posts... some about film, some about music, some with pictures and some with general stuff I'm learning.

I hope this melancholy helps me with my writing. I haven't worked on any films in a long time and that is partially due to inaction and partially due to computer troubles. My laptop was fixed and now it's not. It's a hard enough struggle getting things out of my head and onto paper (or computer screen), but it's even harder when I am willing but can't due to unstable technology.

I guess this post (more like a ramble) is a little insight into my present state of mind. If you have read it all, you may now congratulate yourself for surviving what I am sure is one of the more tiresome things you've read in a long time.

And buy new Coldplay album. It's fantastic.

"You have blue eyes, I have blue eyes."

Thursday was a big day in film for me, for two reasons. The first reason is that it was the first time I've ever gone to see a film at the cinema by myself. I used to vow that I would never go see a movie by myself. And then I started to think, "well, if it came down to it, I guess I would live." But I've always had people to go to movies with. More recently, however, in this state of melancholy I've been soaked in, I've actually been looking forward to the possibility of seeing a movie by myself. I wasn't going to set out to do it, though. It wasn't that important. But thursday, that time came. And I profusely enjoyed the experience.

The second reason is that I saw the best movie of the year so far. Loads of fantastic movies have come out this year. Once, Sunshine, La Vie en Rose, Ratatouille, Michael Clayton, 3:10 to Yuma, The Namesake, Gone Baby Gone, Paris Je T'Aime, Into the Wild, and Hot Fuzz to name a few. But almost easily (almost easily because Once is about neck and neck with it), The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford is the best film of the year so far and immediately one of my all-time favorite movies.

While it's not for everyone, with a running time of two hours and forty minutes and not too much in terms of "excitement," the beauty of this film is undeniable. Every frame is packed with bold melancholy in the colors, in the details, in the performances, in the music. The music is amazing. Nick Cave & Warren Ellis composed a score that fits the film perfectly. The cinematography also is stunning.

Casey Affleck demands an Oscar for his performance. His part is just as big, if not bigger, than Brad Pitt's, but for studio-political purposes, they will pursue a Supporting Actor nod for Affleck. And he deserves more than just a nomination. I'd like to see him pull two nominations this year, Best Actor for Gone Baby Gone and a Best Supporting Actor win for this movie. And no, this isn't because we look alike. It's because he has proved to be an amazing actor. But I must admit to being proud of my famous twin.

Brad Pitt gives one of his best performances ever. I put his turn in this movie right there with 12 Monkeys (for which he received his only Oscar nomination to date) and Babel (for which he should've received his second). I hope they give credit where it is due this year.

The supporting cast is large but great. The acting that Mary-Louise Parker does with just her face is mesmerizing. With but a few lines, she delivers a very memorable performance.

I can't stop thinking about this movie.

What I Cannot Change

I know what makes me comfortable. And I know what makes me tick. And when I need to get my way, I know how to pour it on thick. Cream and sugar in my coffee. Right away when I awake, I face the day, and pray to God I won’t make the same mistakes. All the rest is out of my hands.

I will learn to let go what I cannot change. I will learn to forgive what I cannot change. I will learn to love what I cannot change. But I will change, yeah I will change, whatever I, whenever I can.

Yeah, I don’t know my father or my mother well enough. It seems like every time we talk we can’t get past the little stuff. The pain is self-inflicted. I know it’s not good for my health but it’s easier to please the world then it is to please myself. All the rest is out of my hands.

I will learn to let go what I cannot change. I will learn to forgive what I cannot change. I will learn to love what I cannot change. But I will change, yeah I will change, whatever I, whenever I can.

Right now I can’t care about how everyone else really feels. I have enough hurt of my own to heal.

I will learn to let go what I cannot change. I will learn to forgive what I cannot change. I will learn to let go what I cannot change. I will learn to forgive what I cannot change. I will learn to love what I cannot change. But I will change, yeah I will change, whatever I, whenever I can.

This is "What I Cannot Change" on LeAnn Rimes new album, Family. She wrote it (along with Darrell Brown) and I suspect it is one of the most beautiful songs I've heard in a long time. And what meaning it holds! I urge you to listen to this and download it off of iTunes.