Don't Let Me Down

I think "Do The Right Thing" is one of the best film titles of all time. I think the film is great, but the film's title is really great. It has already involved the audience, by addressing them, before the film even begins. And then it fits the movie once you are watching it. Perfect. I've always thought "Don't Let Me Down" would be a good title too, in the same way. Of course, with a title like that, the movie would have to be more of a downer than "Do The Right Thing."

I'm deep into the last stage of pre-melancholia; disappointment. Or perhaps just funk. Depression is too drastic a term and I have always prided myself on my extremely well-adjusted mental state, even when I'm feeling blue. Yes, I am aware of how this sounds and how people might take it offensively... It's my blog, right? Anyway, much like "The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford" five years ago, it looks as if "Silver Linings Playbook" will be the film I pull into this melancholy with me. I've already seen it twice and I feel like it is never going to leave my head. Is it bad that I feel so kindred with the main character, who just got out of a mental hospital, if I've always prided myself on my mental well-adjustment? It is what it is. Excelsior.

The song that just came on my iTunes is perfect for writing this. It sounds almost like something from the score of a Spider-man film. It is some of Alexandre Desplat's work from "The Painted Veil."

A week ago this time, I was watching the final film at the Savannah Film Festival. I was there for 8 days and saw nearly two dozen films and lots of big Hollywood stars. Not to mention, I got to spend so much time in Savannah and on Tybee Island, two places I could most certainly call home if my family was there as well. It was a wonderful week. "The Reality of a Rut: Cameron McAllister's quest for a new job, but not just any job... which could help explain why it's taking so huggin' long" would be the title of a book I would've written this week, post-Savannah. By the way, huggin' is a perfect new euphemism for cuss words.

I don't like being let down by the unfulfilled intentions of friends. But it almost always allows for a readjustment. This adjustment will be forged in the fires of a deep melancholy. In more general news, I suppose I sure am ready for a soulmate to come along.

This post is all over the place... business as usual. God is, as always, my portion. He's much more faithful than I am. Not to just tag him on here at the end, but it's just so true.

Only fingers can you count on

Just a few minutes ago, I told Tina Anne, "I love the people I love... but I don't love people." This was in regards to trying to leave the customer service industry. Tina Anne is the merchant teller at the bank.  Statistically speaking, she ranks pretty high on my all time favorite people list. She is the highest ranking African and certainly the highest Bank of America employee. Tomorrow she's going back home to Kenya for two weeks. I want to go to Kenya for two weeks. I think everyone I know personally who has travelled to Kenya (aside from those I know from Kenya) has been there on a mission trip. That's great, but I don't want to go there on a mission trip. I want to go on a mission: to explore Kenya.

I definitely have a hard time conveying to people how much I do care for them. Occasionally though, I just tear open and it pours out. I doesn't feel good afterwards. Maybe it should, but it doesn't. It's not regret or embarrassment, it's exhaustion. "Time heals all wounds," but more specifically, morning does. Morning is God's best tool for healing... probably something to do with fresh mercies. Good Christian a cappella group name: The Fresh Mercies. You can have it for free.

This one's on me

I've never been able to identify with labels like ADD or ADHD. I find them to be fallible clinical devices. I understand the sentiments involved with those who profess 'never being able to turn their brain off' or feeling like their brain is 'a TV that won't stop changing channels.' But why on earth would you want to turn your brain off? Thinking is beautiful. Thinking leads to many things. 'Changing channels' is more curious, but I think focus is a multi-faceted effort that involves countless variables and shouldn't be reduced to one's personal limits of control.

Thinking is what I do best. Like all people, sometimes I think too much and sometimes I don't think enough. But I think about everything and I think about multiple scenarios for any given situation. Getting anything out of my head is much more difficult, but I confess to not trying as often as I should.

Ideas are toys; fun to play with, easily collectible. Share them or keep them to yourself. Ideas are safer than reality, although they come with no actual rewards. Ideas must be realized to collect any reward. Otherwise, they sit in your head and collect dust.

My execution in realizing ideas is often clumsy. Earnest, I believe, but cumbersome. Prayer always helps, but sometimes not as quickly as I perceive the need. Knowing that God is not on any timetable, I am still on His timetable. Sometimes I prefer simple prayers, such as asking God to slam shut a door that He does not want open or swing wide open a door He wants me to walk though. Details are good too, but He already knows my heart. He is always faithful, despite the gap between desired answers and given answers.

I feel like I am typing out a plate of lettered spaghetti. I guess that's what I've got.

Magnificent

U2's new album, No Line on the Horizon, is excellent. I won't write about every song (right now, at least) because I'm still picking out my favorites. An immediate stand out, however, is "Magnificent."

Nearly five-and-a-half minutes, "Magnificent" is very much modern U2 but there is something classic about it. I would venture to call it an anthem along the same lines as "Where the Streets Have No Name" if you make the lyrics less dreamy and add more of a sturdy guitar performance by The Edge. Basically, take "Where the Streets Have No Name" and cross-breed it with "Discotheque." In fact, the beat, melody and guitar lend themselves to something reminiscent of an Ennio Morricone "spaghetti western" theme.

Bono's lyrics here are obviously about praising God. It amuses me and frustrates me to see people all over the Internet try and credit the meaning of the song to anything but God... but what can you expect? Likewise, "Yahweh" from the How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb album has some pretty wonderful lyrics that are a prayer to God. That one is probably a bit more difficult to deny, however.

The Courtship of a Job

Four weeks ago today, I was interviewed for a job at Starbucks. Today, I got the job. It's been a long time in the making... much longer than 4 weeks. Four years ago, I would estimate, is when I started thinking about working at Starbucks. Different location then. I picked up an application a couple of times... but never turned one in. Early this year was the first time I turned one in. Then I turned in a second application to the same store. Shortly afterwards, I got the interview.

I went to Starbucks this morning much like I went to Starbucks last Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday. The week before last saw me there several times as well. In addition to enjoying delicious coffee, I was there with obvious motive. And if I wasn't stopping by on my way somewhere, I brought Atlas Shrugged and would spend some time just sitting, reading. This book just gets more and more amazing.

Today, I knew I was going to hear something either way. I arrived to find that yet another friend is now working at this store. I sat and read a little and Lucia came to sit with me while she was on her break. We talked about, yes, Starbucks and then my phone rang. But my phone doesn't work as phones should and I was forced to hang up. Luckily, the guy calling me was in the same building and Lucia went to get him. The conversation was held in person rather than over a cell phone that doesn't work.

I saw two of my GIS professors there today. A friend that used to work there was a GIS major and now there will be another GIS barista. Who knew this Starbucks would become such a GIS hub?

Praise God! He answers prayers and is sovereign in His provision. He has absolutely no sense of timing, though. That is not an insult... He is just outside of time. I've stopped trying to understand that concept... but I look forward to when I can experience that for myself.

I start next Tuesday.

Discreet Anticipation

It's a strange thing, waiting for a call that I may never actually get. All signs point to me receiving this specific phone call soon. But signs can be misread and logic isn't always followed.

I keep telling myself not to get my hopes up. It's hard not to, though... even knowing that if I get my hopes up and end up getting disappointed, it's going to be an especially potent disappointment since I could have prevented it.

But I feel confident that enough prayer went into this that should I be disappointed, should I never receive this phone call... it's all God's doing.

Living in my head

I'd like to think that moods are far more temporary than "funks." I think funks might be moods that have settled and have lasted far to long to still be classified as moods but are not necessarily permanent. I think my current mood is, perhaps, a bit down. Several reasons claim responsibility, some of which I won't get into. I wouldn't call this a funk, though. But I'm willing to bet that it will lead to one soon. Often times, when I feel down like this, it leads to a melancholy and you know how I feel about my melancholies (if you don't know... I love them).

I don't usually talk about my "feelings" like I'm going to right now... but I'm strangely in the mood to do so.

I just got back from a vacation to the beach. It was a great time with my family. On top of that, I have much to be thankful for. My future work circumstances seem to be heading in a wonderful direction (although nothing official yet). I've gotten to spend some quality time with some good friends lately. I've begun reading a book that a quarter of the way into it has already started to affect the way I think.

Why do I feel as if I've stepped under a cloud? I reckon it is a combination of things. First of all, I miss some people. I have never been able to tell if I am more of an "out of sight, out of mind" person or an "absence makes the heart grow fonder" type. I have come to believe that I am a hybrid of both. I think it can be summed up by "out of sight, out of mind... until a prolonged absence makes my heart wrench for those I've lost personal contact with."

What else? I've been busy this week. That may be the lamest reason in the universe to get to feeling down... but it's just that, a reason and not an excuse. When I feel like I don't have time to decompress from the day's events, my mood suffers afterwards... even subconsciously. And any time when I start feeling this way, I'm a bit more sensitive to aggression. Not sensitive emotionally, but sensitive spiritually, if that makes any sense. I retreat a little deeper into my shell.

Forlorn aside, there is also a sense of melancholy... which is what I expect this to fully grow into... a funk-sized melancholy. I've been noticeably more introspective lately. God has been showing me some things about dealing with myself and dealing with others, especially when people present themselves unpleasantly. Oswald Chambers has a lot of good things to say about that in My Utmost for His Highest. I'm trying something new with unpleasant people.

Another reason for more introspection is Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand. I've always wanted to read this but never gave myself the chance. I'd say to myself, "If you ever want to read another book again, you best not start it, since you'll be reading it for the rest of your life."

Who Is John Galt? This isn't the question I ask myself... but the book has led me to think differently about what I am sensing and feeling. I think more about the natural contradictions inside my thoughts and I take pause to fully grasp what I'm thinking. It opens up a new world when you stop and digest what you're thinking and feeling at the moment.

I've never experienced a melancholy in the summertime before. I'd like to know more about the correlation between my moods, funks and the seasons... but I'm afraid I have no answers there. Last week, I expected the melancholy to start when I was at the beach. It didn't. It was a shock mid-week when I realized that nothing had happened. I thought that a vacation of more solitude than ever before would surely ring that in. My parents and I were the only ones there until late Tuesday when my brother and sister-in-law came down until Friday. I figured I would have more time to myself, more independence, more melancholy. I jumped the gun on that one.

By the way, I've already started planning a few future posts... some about film, some about music, some with pictures and some with general stuff I'm learning.

I hope this melancholy helps me with my writing. I haven't worked on any films in a long time and that is partially due to inaction and partially due to computer troubles. My laptop was fixed and now it's not. It's a hard enough struggle getting things out of my head and onto paper (or computer screen), but it's even harder when I am willing but can't due to unstable technology.

I guess this post (more like a ramble) is a little insight into my present state of mind. If you have read it all, you may now congratulate yourself for surviving what I am sure is one of the more tiresome things you've read in a long time.

And buy new Coldplay album. It's fantastic.

I'd swim across Lake Michigan

Sufjan's magnificent album Seven Swans features a fantastic track titled "To Be Alone With You." It's about Christ's atonement and how time alone with Him is of utmost importance. Considering that the album is several years old and that the song was featured in the television show "The O.C." and that Sufjan is the king of indie pop... many of you are probably already familiar with the song.

Today, I discovered that Pocketknife, who had previously remixed "Put the Lights on the Tree," has remixed "To Be Alone With You" and it is available for free download.

I love the original version. It's simple and acoustic and has a beautiful melody... but the words are just so sincere and powerful. The remix, however, retains all of that but beefs it up a bit and gives it a nice beat. Below is the link to download it. Check it out.

Sufjan Stevens - "To Be Alone With You (Pocketknife's Considerate Eagle Scout Remix)"

Some things I know

Pot-smokers all seem to think everyone else smokes pot too.

No one has it any easier than any one else in the long run. Rather, no one has to have it any worse than any one else. Any seemingly good arguments against this aren't taking circumstance and perception into account.

For the World, the apology always precedes forgiveness. For the Christian, forgiveness should come first. Sometimes we should forgive even if we never receive an apology.

People give me a hard time saying that I like every film I see. This is false. I don't like every film I see, I just know my tastes and don't bother watching movies I know I won't like.

It's a mistake to think you are smarter than anyone else. It may be 100% truth that you are, but you shouldn't think about it. It only leads to more elitist, self-indulgent thoughts.

God will give you grace to deal with unpleasant people. He's got to because I definitely can't deal with them myself.

Name it, Claim it, Confess it, Possess it

This is powerful.

Maxed out beauty

Fall colors are probably one of the biggest differences between you and I (you being non-colorblind people). I'm told that I see things less vividly, less bold.

But I can't imagine anything more beautiful than what I see! I think God probably made an exception for His colorblind children when it comes to autumn leaves. I believe He allows us to see it just the same as you, or perhaps better.

I would love it if trees were dressed in fall colors for the whole year and green for only a few weeks... the opposite of what we actually get. But I would be jaded and not appreciate the splendor God allows us to witness in the autumn. So, I'm greatful for the time he does give us with the reds, oranges and golds.