18 June 2008

Living in my head

I'd like to think that moods are far more temporary than "funks." I think funks might be moods that have settled and have lasted far to long to still be classified as moods but are not necessarily permanent. I think my current mood is, perhaps, a bit down. Several reasons claim responsibility, some of which I won't get into. I wouldn't call this a funk, though. But I'm willing to bet that it will lead to one soon. Often times, when I feel down like this, it leads to a melancholy and you know how I feel about my melancholies (if you don't know... I love them).

I don't usually talk about my "feelings" like I'm going to right now... but I'm strangely in the mood to do so.

I just got back from a vacation to the beach. It was a great time with my family. On top of that, I have much to be thankful for. My future work circumstances seem to be heading in a wonderful direction (although nothing official yet). I've gotten to spend some quality time with some good friends lately. I've begun reading a book that a quarter of the way into it has already started to affect the way I think.

Why do I feel as if I've stepped under a cloud? I reckon it is a combination of things. First of all, I miss some people. I have never been able to tell if I am more of an "out of sight, out of mind" person or an "absence makes the heart grow fonder" type. I have come to believe that I am a hybrid of both. I think it can be summed up by "out of sight, out of mind... until a prolonged absence makes my heart wrench for those I've lost personal contact with."

What else? I've been busy this week. That may be the lamest reason in the universe to get to feeling down... but it's just that, a reason and not an excuse. When I feel like I don't have time to decompress from the day's events, my mood suffers afterwards... even subconsciously. And any time when I start feeling this way, I'm a bit more sensitive to aggression. Not sensitive emotionally, but sensitive spiritually, if that makes any sense. I retreat a little deeper into my shell.

Forlorn aside, there is also a sense of melancholy... which is what I expect this to fully grow into... a funk-sized melancholy. I've been noticeably more introspective lately. God has been showing me some things about dealing with myself and dealing with others, especially when people present themselves unpleasantly. Oswald Chambers has a lot of good things to say about that in My Utmost for His Highest. I'm trying something new with unpleasant people.

Another reason for more introspection is Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand. I've always wanted to read this but never gave myself the chance. I'd say to myself, "If you ever want to read another book again, you best not start it, since you'll be reading it for the rest of your life."

Who Is John Galt? This isn't the question I ask myself... but the book has led me to think differently about what I am sensing and feeling. I think more about the natural contradictions inside my thoughts and I take pause to fully grasp what I'm thinking. It opens up a new world when you stop and digest what you're thinking and feeling at the moment.

I've never experienced a melancholy in the summertime before. I'd like to know more about the correlation between my moods, funks and the seasons... but I'm afraid I have no answers there. Last week, I expected the melancholy to start when I was at the beach. It didn't. It was a shock mid-week when I realized that nothing had happened. I thought that a vacation of more solitude than ever before would surely ring that in. My parents and I were the only ones there until late Tuesday when my brother and sister-in-law came down until Friday. I figured I would have more time to myself, more independence, more melancholy. I jumped the gun on that one.

By the way, I've already started planning a few future posts... some about film, some about music, some with pictures and some with general stuff I'm learning.

I hope this melancholy helps me with my writing. I haven't worked on any films in a long time and that is partially due to inaction and partially due to computer troubles. My laptop was fixed and now it's not. It's a hard enough struggle getting things out of my head and onto paper (or computer screen), but it's even harder when I am willing but can't due to unstable technology.

I guess this post (more like a ramble) is a little insight into my present state of mind. If you have read it all, you may now congratulate yourself for surviving what I am sure is one of the more tiresome things you've read in a long time.

And buy new Coldplay album. It's fantastic.

1 comment:

  1. I would never just lay my feelings out on a blog. But, I like to read about yours. You, my friend, are not out of mind for me! 6 weeks and ROAD TRIP!!! By the way, I love this quote..."out of sight, out of mind... until a prolonged absence makes my heart wrench for those I've lost personal contact with." That's what she said...